The Timeline Conundrums

I cast a woeful look at the burnt coagulated mess in front of me, which bore little resemblance to the lip-smacking picture on the recipe book.Well at least the Friggione looked redeemable.If you overlooked that weird greenish tinge – Nothing that a little photoshop couldn’t take care of.I scurried to get the camera and returned to find Jai poised with a fork – about to spear my prized creation. “Aaaah..Noooooo…I am not finished” I spluttered in horror as I snatched the bowl away.I clicked away from all conceivable angles before plonking it back on the table.Jai took a bite before reporting sotto voice that the potatoes seemed half cooked, and the bread looked like it had seen better days.The kids sniffed at it suspiciously and wanted to know if they could feed it to Boxer.Boxer was our pug who, as a rule, made haste to bury whatever I cooked.I snorted derisively.

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Jai was demanding querulously why I couldn’t rustle up some pronouncable dishes for a change – say rice and dal. I rolled my eyes – rice and dal indeed ! I might as well kiss my FB followers goodbye. Trust Jai to come up with the middlest of the ideas possible in middle earth !

I awoke groggily the next day after having spent the better part of the night hanging in a limbo between sleep and wakefulness checking the likes and comments every 5 minutes.I logged in to check.Yay ! 232 likes !!!
I scrolled down and immediately gritted my teeth as Sheila filled the laptop screen – smiling like a barracuda cavorting in the foyer of the new retro lounge bar in town.Whatever in God’s name was that atrocious stuff swaddled around her neck ! 412 Likes for that apparition !! People needed to get their head examined.

I hit like and commented.

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Just like her to steal my thunder.I slumped back on the bed. Jai popped in to see if I intended to spend the day sleeping.I muttered something about feeling feverish.He checked my temperature ‘No fever’- he announced without ceremony.

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I needed some pick me up comments, didn’t I.

Neetu: Get well soon dear..
Rekha.. 😦

I kept refreshing the page..I could spot Ruchika online..but no comment so far. Such a snooty female.And when I had literally spent an hour liking and commenting on all her horrendous pictures – even the ones where she wore those tacky outfits and heart shaped glasses.Gratitude where art thou.

-oo-

The next day happened to be our wedding anniversary and by the time I dragged myself out of bed, Jai had already headed to work.Well, lately things hadn’t been exactly sizzling but I wasn’t the one to be blamed here. No sir ! I had posted so many mushy messages on FB for Jai and my FB followers had adored every single one of them.

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Last year, he had acted so embarrassed when I had wanted him to pose cheek to cheek and raise a glass of toast.All he could see was that we were holding up the traffic in the middle of a busy junction and the Pani-puri wala who was the only one available to take our pic, had his chutney-sodden hands on the camera.
Oh ! for crying out loud, couldn’t he see the Marriot was right in the background and everybody would assume we were staying there.

Well this year,I planned to grab some eyeballs with a pic of me dressed in that slinky black number blowing hearts at Jai.. with the message.

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Tushar ,the God of photoshop,had promised me some time after work. By the time, I returned from Tushar’s, it was late and Jai had already called it a day. Phew ! A day well spent. I was getting innumerable likes on the anniversary pic.

Well, I had better get some sleep.Tomorrow was the big day.I felt delicious thinking about the next day’s plan.

-oo-

The most exclusive party in town and I was going to get myself clicked there.

Sheila – Baby, here I come !

I hailed a rick and got off well ahead of the club. I adjusted my short dress – Γ  la Gucci. I had spent days at the flea-market searching for designer looking stuff.Now who could tell the difference between Gucci and Goochi.
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I was just nearing the entrance when a tall woman, wearing an off shoulder dress and red stilettos, accompanied by a muscular bloke in a Cowboy hat walked by. I could smell some expensive perfume.I quickened my steps and took out my phone.’Driver, I want the Merc right at the entrance’ Looked like Red Stilettos and Cowboy Hat were some kind of celebrities as they were soon surrounded by some admirers.

In the melee, nobody noticed me waving enthusiastically while the guard outside clicked me. I had paid 500 bucks to that crook for a good shot.Suddenly the doorman noticed me and barred my entrance. Well,’Toodloo sweetie’,I winked at him, ‘I am done here’.

Wait, wasn’t that a Mercedes-Benz S-class ! Yesss, I definitely deserved one snap with that. The driver was having none of it.Finally he agreed to pose – opening the door for me, if I would part with my thin silver chain.Hmm..it wasn’t so expensive, Jai had given it to me as a birthday gift couple of years back. Well, why not !

My hands shook as I uploaded my pics ! Boy ! Shiela could never beat this !!!

-oo-

I was busy admiring my timeline when the doorbell rang.
I was still thrilling in that last coup de grace I had landed on Shiela. I was the new star at the kitty party.

Trring ! Trrring ! Couldn’t somebody open the blasted door and let people work in peace.Jai came running, gave me a glare and yanked the door open. A couple of men stood outside. They said something in hushed tones and Jai was pale as he turned to look at me – Income Tax.Its a raid.Somebody’s reported that we have ill gotten wealth.

For a minute, I was speechless and then I quickly regained my senses.My god ! Who on earth raids unimportant people ! This was a godsend I wasn’t going to pass up. While I furiously typed my FB updates, the officers finished checking and asked us to accompany them.

I spoke up – ‘Officer, thanks for raiding our house ! Can you please pose with me for my facebook update ? It would be lovely if you could display the Id card, so that people can clearly read it.’ The men exchanged incredulous glances and while we were ushered into the waiting car amidst my frantic attempts to get a few more selfies, I heard somebody mutter ‘Yeh Aunty ki tho #ConditionSeriousHai’.

-oo-

This entry has been written for the Cadbury 5 star contest #ConditionSeriousHai on Indiblogger.Seriousness is a very serious disease. From that annoying aunty, who’s more concerned about your life than your parents are, to your boss/professor, who’s more punctual than time, we’re all surrounded by people jinki #ConditionSeriousHai. Some seriousness victims take things seriously and the rest are genuinely serious.

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38 thoughts on “The Timeline Conundrums

  1. Beautifully written fiction highlighting how too much of FB socializing can drive people nuts literally. Nice use of humor and very relevant rendering of contest theme. Best of luck for the contests.

  2. Oh that was a fantastic take on the contest! You have done justice to highlighting social media issues and land it with just the right amount of humor! All the best for the contest πŸ™‚

  3. Asha, this is my first time visiting your blog, and what a cracker of a post for me to start off with. Loved it and definitely a top contender for the contest. FB mania indeed πŸ™‚ Good luck!

  4. Gayatri (from Bhilai ;))

    That was hilarious, Asha! You were spot-on about today’s FB culture. There are middle-aged people living in the middle-of-nowhere suburbia and they share every single mundane event in their lives on FB. Seriously, who cares? Good luck and I hope you win :).

  5. Hahaha, I loved it! Totally blew me out. Social media madness is indeed a serious condition and you pictured it so well, all the best Ash! πŸ™‚

  6. hahaha, awesome Ash! of late, i am finding it difficult to comprehend anything and it took me almost 30 minutes to read your post. but i absolutely loved it and now i feel like writing a post myself.

    all the best for the contest (if it’s not over already).

  7. Visiting the blogworld after ages, Moonstone, and what a fantastic and humorous post I landed on, it cracked me up. I still am wearing a big smile that is going to last me days πŸ™‚ Superb! And as you know, the topic is my pet peeve. Wonderfully written.
    Loved the drawings, stylus on Note?
    Thank you for giving me many many smiles and laughs through the decades.

    1. Thanks Nomad ! And great to have you visiting the blogworld again πŸ™‚ Was missing your thoughtful comments on my blog.
      The drawings are freehand done on MS Paint..
      Thanks for always being there to laugh at my silly jokes πŸ™‚

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